I had worked for long enough before I arrived at WUR that being in a classroom felt new again. I set up my corner, trying to look like I belonged and was pleased to note the large windows that could potentially let much sunshine in. And was flabbergasted a few minutes later when automatic blinds came down at the first touch of sunlight on the glass. I admit that I curse under my breath every time this happens.
Periods 1 and 2 were whirlwinds. Very quick, very confusing, and I don’t remember finding time to pause. It didn’t help that my inner critic had a gigantic flare-up at this time. I came a long way for this degree; of course, I had to excel. It was as if good grades would justify the decision to turn my life upside down, leave everyone I loved far away, and give up sunshine. Not to mention the huge financial investment I sank into this. I’m certain I was walking around hunchbacked under the enormous weight of my own expectations.
For all the pressure I put on myself, I was performing at my academic worst. I couldn’t understand it. I followed lectures perfectly well but did terribly in the exams. It must be me. I wasn’t working hard enough. So, I crouched by the heater and bullied my brain to do better.
For all the pressure I put on myself, I was performing at my academic worst
All this paints a forlorn picture of my first few months here, but, truly, outside the exam system, I had the time of my life. I sat through interesting lectures, had wonderfully unexpected conversations with people from all over Europe, tried new foods, and learnt the names of the trees and birds around Wageningen. It was a whole new world to discover!
Luckily, these experiences gave my inner critic a break and left room for perspective to gain a foothold. I was quick to judge myself as a failure, and anyone who is a product of the mainstream Indian educational system will find this a familiar feeling. But I realised I was the only one passing judgement. I’m often asked about my experience of the two different systems, and it’s impossible to condense them into this tiny column. The most valuable understanding to me has been that, here, there is room to stumble and then straighten up again without shame. And this brings joy to learning.
Ananya Doraswamy is a Master’s student Communication, Health and Life Sciences from India. She delights in a slow-paced day that has plenty of time for cloud watching and tree-gazing. She enjoys being in busy, multicultural kitchens that have plenty of food and stories to offer.
