We’re living in tough times. Our newspapers are full of the massive shocks threatening world order. The consequences for Europe, including the Netherlands, are immense. Our Cabinet is introducing radical changes as well. Universities are getting less funding and have to focus more on the Netherlands.
WUR too has to make cuts, but our Executive Board has decided against any panic measures. So we’ll be getting less fruit, and then we’ll see how it goes. But I think a wait-and-see approach is a bad idea. We should take big steps straight away while we’ve got the momentum. Let me make some suggestions. After all, our world leaders offer plenty of examples.
We should start with some geostrategic changes to increase the traction for Wageningen. From now on, we should refer to ‘Wageningen train station’, ‘the Wageningen Rhine’ and ‘Wageningen Zoo Rhenen’. We’ll move the elite Papendal sports centre to the Bongerd, and rename the swimming pool the Gulf of Wageningen.
The wait-and-see approach is a bad idea. We should take big steps straight away while we’ve got the momentum.
WUR names need a rethink too. ‘Leeuwenborch’ (literally ‘lion castle’) is way too exotic. What is wrong with ‘Sheep Pen’, ‘Chicken Run’ or ‘Pig Sty’? Or, given that it’s the home of the Social Sciences, how about ’the Bee Hive’? That should give the place a buzz. Also, the Latin names on campus are too elitist. We should replace Orion, Radix and Omnia with everyday alternatives like Adrian, Radish and Ominous.
We need to cut our workforce, so let’s send every member of staff an email asking ‘what did you do last week?’ If you don’t reply within a week, we don’t need you. (Though we should be careful not to send all the students home too as they never read their WUR email.) And if you answer in English rather than Dutch, you might as well clear your desk immediately. Anyone presenting themselves as a scientist will get a cut in salary because ChatGPT is just as good at writing articles. A three-person Executive Board is wasteful: one person who knows the art of the deal is all we need. Giving people a say only slows things down, so we will do away with staff and student councils and programme committees.
We promise to solve the student housing problem in one day. We will remain green and socially aware but for efficiency reasons from now on we will call it biodiversity & inclusion. Anyway, there is no reason to despair: a bit of global warming will turn our floodplains into the Riviera of the North.
Make Wageningen Great Again.
Sjoukje Osinga (57) is an assistant professor of Information Technology. She sings alto in the Wageningen chamber choir Musica Vocale, has three sons who are students and enjoys birdwatching with her husband in the Binnenveldse Hooilanden.
